I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize