There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
