I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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