I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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