just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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