I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
