Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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