Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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