My sheets look like a crime scene.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
