Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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