I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
