i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
