My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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