It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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