He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
