i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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