finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He better not be in your backpack
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
