Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
