Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
