if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
