member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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