You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
