Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
