I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
