Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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