lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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