i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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