You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Dignity is for republicans.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
