I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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