I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we made out on top of his cat.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
