I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
