dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize