Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
