She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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