She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
