Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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