it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
