You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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