dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
