I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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