so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
