I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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