Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
