she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
foreskin is a definite game changer
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
