You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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