I'm so fucking centered right now
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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