Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize