Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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