Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
