I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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