There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
