And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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