i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
