My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
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