Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
