its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
