I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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