Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
