When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
