The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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