so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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