Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
