Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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