My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My cat gives me a boner
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
