I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
