Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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