just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
