Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
