Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
